I woke up today thinking I hadn’t had a good cry in a while. There was an Everybody Loves Raymond episode where we learned that Ray’s wife, Debra, sets aside time on a regular basis just to let herself cry – on purpose.
Now I did cry the other day when I watched the last half of the last episode of Sex and the City. I know it well, but it never fails to elicit tears from me. Still I’m not sure those are the type of tears I’m talking about. Although it did feel great. In fact, a friend of mine called me and we sobbed together. That was nice.
And then there’s the spontaneous cry like when something reminds me of my mother or Harry (my cat) or my good friend Julia who all died within the last 14 months. I know those are good cries and honor those moments for the love they represent.
But we all grapple with lots of tough things on a daily basis. And our friends do too. And sometimes it all feels overwhelming – and we can’t always let ourselves cry in the moment. Like at work. Or around our family, like Debra. And then of course, there are all the horrible things going on in the world that we see and hear about every day. People right now are dying for the want of clean water, food, or basic medical care. And they are dying from war. If we were fully in touch with our feelings, wouldn’t we be crying every day – every moment?
But of course, that’s no way to live. So we have to be able to distance ourselves. It’s how humans survive. But how much distance? Don’t all the sad things we hear about and encounter build up somewhere inside us? Don’t we need to let some of this out somehow? Taking action where possible and giving to charities that help directly is a good way to deal with the horrible things we see. At least we are doing something. But what about our own emotional needs? Are we ignoring something deep and primal by being so “adult”?
I was raised not to wallow in sadness – to just get on with things. There have always been a lot of bad things in the world and there will always be. Get over it. Or at least that was the message. But what do we do with all these feelings? Is it really good to teach ourselves to store these feelings away somewhere or learn not even to take them in at all since they can be so overwhelming? Maybe that’s what growing up is. And maybe it isn’t. I’m not sure.
I know people who never seem to let themselves think much about such things and they definitely don’t allow themselves to be stopped. They just move ahead, pushing through the tough stuff. And things seem to work out for them using that method. But are they denying themselves some much needed contact with their own emotions? Will this rise up one day in some big oozing boil or is this actually the healthiest way to live?
And then there are others who wallow in their tears and self pity and anger day in and day out – and can’t see beyond the feelings that hold them hostage. And they are not happy. They bathe themselves in tears and the tears don’t cleanse at all.
But those are extremes. What about the rest of us? Is Debra right? Do we sometimes have to make time to let ourselves think about all the really sad things and just cry and cry for a while as a release? Or does that simply reinforce the negative imagery and keep us from moving on?
So…does a regular cry help? Is any cry good enough – like crying at a film or TV show or book – or do we need to make special time to cry for our own hurts too? Or for how lost or lonely or scared we feel at times despite the loved ones still in our lives? Or for the pains and challenges many of us have to face on a daily basis.
What do you think? Was Debra right? Is it a good thing to set aside some regular time to just cry for everything we are holding inside? Or is that a bottomless pit of sadness best left alone except when triggered by the moment?
Your thoughts?
The blessing of tears. Tears wash us out. Only if we cry properly. The type of crying where we do not sit in a chair in the corner, by an open window, glancing out and then back again, at the other who is crying.
Great soul wrenching cries, loud music, nonstop unedited writing and large pieces of paper with messy charcoals go great together. And listen, a reward of chocolate after a good cry is also worth the cry.
Seriously, in many ways, how could you stop crying?
I know I have read articles and thoughts and news on why we must stop crying, with the tragedies in the world, as you say Ronnie, we would never stop and become incapacited and then not be able to help anyone.
Maybe first though, we must help ourselves, and be true to our grief or any emotion that provokes our tears, and then when the tears decide they need to go cool their feet and replenish, maybe, just maybe, we feel slightly better and give something in the moments in between we could not give if we had not cleansed ourselves with tears.
The measure of tears has no universal value, it is singular, personal and not to be judged.
Nicely said. This is just the kind of response I was looking for. I hope more people share their thoughts.
Such a passion of mine Ronnie Ann… perhaps not crying per se, but feelings… feeling our feelings! True there is a time and place for everything, and I can’t help but think that those people who “wallow in their tears and self-pity” aren’t’ so much feeling as they are escaping- perhaps deeper emotions they are too afraid to feel.
Only by confronting what we really think and really feel can we know who we really are.
If we ignore the sadness and pain… the real deep sadness and pain, it doesn’t simply go away… it lodges in our bodies and our spirits.. and it will come out, be it in subconscious punishments (like never succeeding where you were born to succeed or never allowing ourselves to have the relationship we yearn for) or physically…. or in a myriad of ways.
As socrates said… a life unexamined is a life not worth living.
As Deepak Chopra said on Bill Maher two weeks ago (in response to “the Secret” and I paraphrase) it is very stressful to be positive all the time. When will people understand that there is great spirituality in feeling all of our feelings.
I deeply believe that the truth of our feelings.. no matter how ugly or scary or uncomfortable at the time… will always lead us to the light.
Thanks for the thoughtful words, K. I actually read your comment a couple of times. Much wisdom. Now how do I learn to live in the “now” of my feelings – especially during extended tough times – and still remain bearable to others and myself?
Hmmm…I see in my question that I am giving myself way too much pressure by setting impossible expectations – and by worrying too much about how it all looks to others on the outside. True…society – and often friends – really want us to gloss over the pain and get that smile back in place. But we certainly shouldn’t shove the feelings down so deep it gets stuck. I agree that it must come into the light so we can deal with it.
But we don’t have to make it who we are. If we can find and nurture that solid center of peaceful harmony within us, the pain, frustration, anger, etc. only passes through. We can acknowledge and examine it…and then let it move on. And we also have to honor that some pain – such as the loss of a loved one – never leaves. We just learn how to live with it and even make friends with it so that it morphs into something gentler, such as linking the loss of a loved one to sweet memories.
Great post, and i loved that insight by Deepak Chopra, and all the comments.
I feel better after a good cry. I feel it’s a way of purging all the stuff that gets bottled up in daily life (note: I’m a notorious Bottler of Feelings, not a good habit). When I was in grad school I found myself crying hysterically at movies and commercials; during finals week I watched “A.I.”, that movie about the robot-boy who wants to become real, and on went the waterworks for about an hour. I’d even seen it before and not cried at all the first time. But with all the stress from school and life, the tears were already waiting in line.
I read somewhere tears actually have healing properties; they are salty, and salt water is used to fight infection, yes?
I find it’s easier to laugh after I cry. Sometimes I do both at once.
Thanks Mel. Really nice comment. Yup…salt water can be healing. Mixed with baking soda, also good for a hot healing bath. A lovely treat after a good cry.
Slight tangent…you remind me of a break-up many years ago with someone I was madly in love with. It was a hard one for both of us, and during that talk we laughed and cried for hours together. I thought it went so well…in fact, I felt great for a week or two. But then I found myself depressed and also developed horrible physical symptoms that went on for many months. Finally found a marvelous therapist who helped me understand that my reactions – including the tears – were about a lot more than the break-up. So often the case. She helped me link the tears to what was really going on and the symptoms disappeared. It wasn’t about Paul so much after all. But the tears had to come out regardless.
I know Ronnie Ann! It is really hard to find that balance…I think a good hint is to have some kind of outlet, some place or creative something where it just doesn’t matter what society expects of you… where you are allowed to be in the “now”…. i try to do that every day.. but balanced with a deep meditation in the truth (that I am a whole and happy child of the universe, and everything I need to be everything I dream of already dwells inside of me) Cuz I totally agree… people aren’t really interested in your deepest darkest… nor perhaps should they be….. but I also have such a difficult time with my friends who don’t want to admit those feelings exist… who are so busy “attracting” the positive with huge happy smiles and empty nervous eyes….
and funny… just read your boyfriend story.. I wrote a similar one this week too!!!!!!
Thanks, K. For me, blogging has been one of those places where I can just say what I think and not worry about how my words are judged by others – and not even care if no one reads them! (Although I sheepishly admit I do love those hits.)
Just read your break-up story. Like what you said “but I knew that first and foremost I had to take care of me. ” Yup. We all do. Only then can we experience our full place in the universe – and as a result truly help others. It’s something I’m still working on. (-;
Its the nights when you cruise the net because you feel down.
its the early hours of the morning and your partner and all your friends are asleep, and you need a darn good cry, or you didnt know you needed one but a sad news story caught your eye (with me that would be the one about the dog who waited by his dead master for x number of days..you get the idea!) and you read it, and you cried and you followed more links and found more tears to shed, and suddenly you felt, well if not better maybe less uptight than you were before.
Sorry just passing through and thought I’d add my twopennorth worth
You remind us tears can be a release. Thank you for adding to the discussion.