One year ago today my mother died quite suddenly. Oh, she was no youngster and I guess I shouldn’t have been as shocked as I was, but even at 87 she still seemed amazingly strong and just brimming with life spirit. I still miss her tremendously.
This is not to say our relationship didn’t have ups and downs. Lots of downs. Really…lots and lots of downs. But in the last years, we kind of made peace with all that and found a way to be there with and for each other – making room for the differences and remembering to tell each other about the good stuff. And remembering the love.
At the moment, I don’t need to talk about all she was or wasn’t. I don’t even need to tell you what a terrifically hard and yet life-affirming transition this past year has been for me. I just want to say:
Hey mom! I miss you. I love you. I think about you every day. And I hope you’re doing something totally cool wherever you are. You’re in my heart always. You did good, kiddo. Thank you for being my mom.
Ya che kochem, matke!
Thanks for your response to my initial comment. After reading this post, I see you and I are in a very similar place about our moms. What does “Ya che kochem, matke” mean, and what language is it?
It’s Polish for “I love you, mom”. My mother was a Polish Jewish immigrant who survived WWII by working for the Nazis in a lumber-processing factory in the town of Auschwitz, right near the concentration camp. She borrowed a non-Jewish Polish girl’s name and ID and went in her place as a forced laborer. Hiding out in the open like that, she survived. She never especially wanted me to learn Polish, preferring to leave that identity behind her, but I managed to learn a few of the more important phrases.
Thanks for asking! Yes…although you have one extra year on me, I can guess we are not all that far apart when it comes to still feeling our mom’s presence in our lives – and yet also feeling the absence so deeply.
oh ronnie ann! all my love goes out to you today…Kathryn
Oh Kathryn! How nice to see you. Thank you so much.
Have to admit it’s been a while since I visited, but the new improved ifnotnow.net is so cool! My how it’s grown. And synchronis.tv, your new baby, blows me away. A live webisode? Please keep me posted. I want to blog about it when it happens. I can say I knew you ifnotnow when. (-;
Thanks again.
Hope all is well for you Ronnie.
I always enjoy your blog and you know I empathise with the loss of your Ma.
A year must only feel like a blink in time.
Take good care of yourself.
fond regards
liz
Aww! Thanks Liz. Much appreciated. yes. The year has flown by. I can’t believe it myself.
BTW…I keep following your progress on your new dream house and I’m in awe of all you’ve gathered so far. I’m a big proponent of goofing off during vacation time so all that work you’ve been doing during your time off seems way too laborious. But I know it’s a labor of love. The best kind. Although you know that secret already.
Thanks again for the lovely message. All the best to you and your new home!
I can relate Ronnie Ann. Thank you so much for sharing this.
I know you’ve had more than your share of things to…uh…grow from. Appreciate your warm thoughts. Thanks, MW!
This post brought tears to my eyes, RA. It is a beautiful tribute that you told your mom’s remarkable story as a Holocaust survivor too. My heart is with you. Peace and Solace to you.
I was just writing to you as you were writing this. How lovely. Thank you, MW. Very much.
Hi Ronnie Ann,
I lost my Ma two years ago.
Ever since I can remember, she was my best friend. We weren’t well off, but she encouraged me to do things I wanted to. What I am today is partly because what I learnt from her.
It doesn’t get any easier with time. Her memory is very close to the surface. Certain days, certain events will bring her back to mind. She is in my dreams almost every night.
I never gave thought to existence after death. But I am not worried or scared of death anymore. I just know, I’ll be with her again.
You loved your mother. I know how you feel.
dear Ronnie Ann ~ I just wanted to give you a big virtual hug from Oakland.
I’m sure Mom’s checking out your blog and all that good stuff. I heard Heaven’s IT needs are pretty tricked-out, so she probably has great WIFI and her own MacBook, etc.
Ronnie Ann–My father’s family came from Poland. Everyone left before the Nazis came. I’ve heard that being the child of a holocaust survivor has its own issues.
Besides having recently lost our mothers, another thing we have in common is we both had conflicts in our relationships with them, and we both managed to make peace later on. You didn’t say if you forgave your mother; I did, mainly because I had the good fortune to spend her last two weeks with her while she was dying. I’m writing about all this stuff now. It’s very painful–and important. Keep it up.
Thanks everyone! I’m so touched.
littleindian: I’m so sorry that you join me in the loss of a mother, but I’m also grateful for your lovely words of understanding. Sounds like you had a wonderful mother. I did too. Ah yes…just the smallest thing brings her right back to me, as if no time had passed. Your kindness is much appreciated.
Mel: Aw! Thanks. You’re going through such an exciting time and I’m happy for you. It reminds me that life has chapters and even as one ends, the next chapter can bring many new wonder-ful things into our lives. You are my super-hero!
Marcy: Wow. Your dad’s family also came from Poland. Would be so cool if it turned out they were from the same areas. Not that I’ve ever been able to find the names of their villages on a map. And yes, being a child of Holocaust survivors has many MANY issues. It’s why I feel so deeply when I hear of war-torn areas. Each family, even the ones lucky enough to survive, emerges scarred. And it doesn’t end in that generation. The scars go on forever, and in many cases (such as when national identities are concerned) only erupt in fighting again one day, almost as if the DNA is programmed to carry the anger into the future.
I’m so glad you were able to find peace with your mom. Me too. I mean with mine. (-; I was lucky enough to have had quite a few good years with her before she died, where we both stepped back and just let the other be. She was a pretty cool lady, I gotta say. Mom was fully cognizant and independent right up until the end. And we got to share laughter and a warm visit just two weeks before the end. She never had to experience life without her beloved car or her own apartment. I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am for all that. I know you had a very different experience and hope I get to read what you write one day. Yes…it is very important. I still do personal writings about all the other stuff, so it too can rest – and so can I.
The map of Poland is always changing. The town my father’s parents came from was Lublin. And–I can’t believe it, but I forgot this for a moment–my mother’s family also came from around there, just one more generation removed. There was a club in NYC for people from the area called the Lublina, and that’s how my mother and father met, thru their fathers.
Yes…areas in what is known as Poland today have had to adjust time and again to different borders and names and rulers. I’m told that my dad came from a small town not too far from Lvov (Lemberg at the time and now Lviv I think) called something like Zhebnov or Czebnov (spelling not known). But I do know Lvov is not all that far from Lublin (about 120 miles), although back then that wasn’t as easy a trip as it is today.
The area was part of Galicia (I believe) and my mom also came from Galicia, from a small town called Boyanev (again, spelling unknown). But I think she said dad’s town was closer to the Ukraine than she was. Unfortunately that’s all I know about the towns, other than stories from daily life. My favorite daily life story is that the land and lumber business my mother’s father worked on was owned by a very wealthy good-looking blond man who rode a white horse and always had a handsome man (not always the same one) riding with him. It was kind of known he was gay but no one spoke of it openly. My mother loved to tell that story. Your comment made me remember that. Thanks!
I didn’t know there was a NYC club for people from Lublina. How cool that your folks met that way. I live in NYC. Wonder if the club is still there?
Ronnie, i’m sure your mum will be able to see this and feel very proud of u. And i, as your blogosphere friend, am proud of you as well.
Hopefully things will become better for you each passing day.
Thank you so much Alvin. Your kind words really touched me. So glad we met in this vast blogosphere!
Yeap. from 1 end of the world to the other.