Icy gnarled fingers
Troll the edge of the wall
A slow macabre dance
Creeping ever so tentatively
Around that corner
Poised at times like question marks
Then releasing with a great sigh…
To embrace the vast emptiness?
(Or maybe at long last to grasp truth.)
——
Yes…I know this isn’t my usual type of post. But as my header warns: “Thoughts. Spinning. Lots of ‘em.”
These were brought on by a recent conversation I had with a woman friend who is 97 years old and still lives on her own!
We should all be so lucky. Not that she always feels lucky since everyone she ever loved is now gone and she is alone. As another friend often says “These are our choices?”
And so, thinking about all this I was moved to write this poem. In the end, no matter what else happens we have ourselves for as long as we live. And it is with ourself, I think, we must make peace. And it is also within ourself we must ultimately find the joy.
I enjoyed this piece quite a bit. Will have to read a little more of your work since you said this isn’t your usual type of post. However, I really think the word grasp in the last line could make this poem really interesting. The word truth though… it killed a momentum that was building throughout the entire piece. I felt like the action of the fingers was well laid out and then the word truth just took the feeling in another direction. Some people don’t like feedback, but if you do… you might think about the word macabre. It’s kind of clunky. As well, read it without the word tentatively. I think “ever so” creates a sense of tentativeness without actually using the word. Finally, remove the question mark in the second to last line… and maybe the word truth in the final line… “or maybe at long last grasp it”. I don’t know, but I feel as if others have the best comments after I’ve just written something because their perspective is fresh. I’ll read more of your work. I think this piece is really good.
Patrick…thank you! Glad you got the “grasp”. I rarely dare to attempt poetry (Oy…I just checked some of yours and can’t even come close to the imagery you evoke), so the fact that you took the time to tell me you enjoyed it and offer really good suggestions means a lot to me. You touched on words that stuck in my mind’s throat. And the last line was added as an afterthought. I had a feeling it hurt the flow and changed the piece in away that maybe wasn’t true to the rest. Sort of has to do with the often serious-but-positive posts I usually write; I felt “obligated” to turn this into a message piece instead of letting it just stand on its own. A struggle I have with what I allow myself to write. Thank you for taking the time to give me such good feedback. You’ve motivated me to go back and see what I can do with it. And maybe to let myself go further. Will be fun to see if I can make friends of evocative imagery.
Again…thank you!!! And good luck with your blog. I enjoyed my visit and will be back.
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I like them both…I would enjoy a whole series of the same poem to be honest. How much fun would that be, the same original idea spun out in a variety of ways?
Aaah! I remember you saying this once, many moons ago, about a short story I published here, George and Marie. You had seen several drafts as the editing processed progressed and you asked me to share them all. I was actually thinking about that as I edited this one, because there were many slightly different versions in between. May I challenge you to do something like that too???? Kind of an anatomy of the process.