Things That Live in My Freezer

I woke up last night about 4am and, with half-closed mole eyes, headed to the kitchen for some water. As I stood barefoot on the chilly floor, I heard an odd banging noise coming from the freezer. “Hmmm…that’s kinda weird,” I remember thinking. But I was way too sleepy to investigate, so I plodded back to the safety of my warm bed. As I lay there in a state of half-sleep, my mind’s eye began picturing what was in my freezer.

And then it hit me. There are people living in there! My beloved Amy for one. I am totally addicted to Amy’s Breakfast Burritos and always have a bunch hanging out in my freezer. Mrs. Smith is also there with one of her Hearty Pumpkin pies. Did you know she’s a real person? Or so the website tells us. “Amanda Smith became the ‘queen’ of pies just after the turn of the last century. She began America’s number one commercial pie maker, Mrs. Smith’s Bakeries, right at her own kitchen table.” Pretty cool. Makes me feel good to know she’s hanging around my place.

Also in my freezer is Mrs. Paul with those fish sticks I remember so fondly from childhood – except now I think there’s a lot less fish. But with some mashed potatoes and peas on the plate, it can still conjure up warm memories on a cold day. In there with her – and she seems ok about it – are the Celantanos who sometimes provide me with cheese ravioli and eggplant parmigiana – the latter not up to its former excellent standards, but in a pinch – especially when I feel too lazy to go out – it can serve as a reasonable substitute for real Italian food. Also ready and willing to help, but a little miffed to be living with the Celantanos if truth be told, are the fabulous Fratellis of Brooklyn who make a truly yummy meat ravioli among many other varieties.

Mingling with the rest of the folks are the non-red Skeltons, who provide me with healthy all-natural frozen turkey burgers and pot pies. But, when I need a hit of pot pie with almost no nutritional value but lots of memories from when I was in my 20s and you could get 4 or 5 of those little babies for a $1, I turn to the Swanson family. And, for a slightly different memory, the reliable Ungers are right there for me with a pretty ok frozen gefilte fish.

So. Part of the mystery was solved. Clearly my freezer folk were behind the noise – but exactly what were they doing? And then it hit me again! It was a party. And someone – probably that feisty Mrs. Smith – was trying to get out so she could invite her dear old friend Mr. Jack Daniels in. Nothing like a little Jack on ice, eh Amanda?

Of course I’ll never know what happened for sure because right around then I fell asleep. And when I got up, it was suspiciously quiet in there. Hmmm…come to think of it, it still is.

Well of course! That proves it. After all that ruckus last night, they’re sleeping. It’s the only explanation that makes sense. Rest well, dear Amanda. I may need you tomorrow.